the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
