Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
