i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
