Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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