John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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