i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
