Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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