I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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