you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
