we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Operation Purity has been aborted
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
