I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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