apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
