I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
