I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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