last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
