I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
