Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
