Umm I'm too high to move.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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