im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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