ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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