Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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