Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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