To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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