I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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