Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
