yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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