I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
