yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
