I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
