After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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