Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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