How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
