Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
