Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
