so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
