Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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