They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
