Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
