im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
