I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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