he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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