I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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