is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i think i have two assholes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
