Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
