Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
