I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
