Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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