I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My bed smells like the plague
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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