i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
