I'm so fucking centered right now
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
