just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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