Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
