I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
