I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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