One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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